"Only slightly eccentric, rather than out and out weird.”

Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's

John Elder Robison

Look Me in the Eye: My Life With Aspergers, by John Elder Robison

John Elder Robison’s memories of growing up with Aspergers is the sort of book that is likely to make many  people say “I knew a kid like that” or “Doesn’t that just remind me of ….” Or “That is Sooo …. Me”.  

“Even at the age of five I was beginning to understand the world of things better than the world of people.” P. 18

I think in my case, I came to understand the world of ideas better than the world of people. At least I feel that way today. Robison suggests that it is important for an Aspergian kid’s peers to know that they WANT to learn how to relate. They don’t WANT to be humored and then ignored. “I never learned how to carry on a conversation from talking to grown-ups, because they just adapt to whatever I said. “ Robison writes,

“Kids, on the other hand, got mad or frustrated.  How do normal kids figure this out?  They learned from seeing how other kids react to their words, something my brain is not wired to do.  I have since learned that kids with Aspergers don’t pick up on common social cues.  They don’t recognize a lot of body language or facial expressions.  I know I didn’t.  I only recognize pretty extreme reactions, but by the time things were extreme, it was usually too late.” P. 21

What it eventually leads to is a sense of social failure and isolation that can be incredibly painful

“When I had a birthday my parents would make a cake and get me some presence and everyone ran around looking jolly.  But every now and then I got invited to birthday parties for other kids, and at those parties there would be 10 or 20 kids all running around laughing.  Those were the good parties, I thought.  Mine were crummy. . . . I didn’t fully understand the reasons why, I knew their situation was better than mine, and it hurt to see what I was missing.” P. 27

“All of the child psychologists who said ‘John prefers to play by himself’ were dead wrong.  I played by myself because I was a failure at playing with others.  I was alone as a result of my own limitations, and being alone was one of the bitterest disappointments of my young life.  The sting of those early failures followed me long into adulthood, even after I learned about Aspergers.” 211

Some of the traits that Robison highlights are the “flat affect”

“I have what you might call a logical empathy for people I don’t know.  That is I can understand that it is a shame that those people died in a plane crash.  And I understand they have families, and they are sad.  But I don’t have any physical reaction to the news.” P. 32

The “miners helmet” (my analogy)

“No one knows why some people have a gift like this and another doesn’t, but I’ve met other Aspergians with savant like abilities like mine.  In my opinion, part of this ability – which I seemed to have been born with – comes from my extraordinary powers of concentration.  I have an extremely sharp focus.” P. 65

The inability to keep up with the pace of normal conversation because of the need to think (maybe even overthink)

“I’m a very logical guy.  Psychologists say that it’s an Aspergian trait.  This can lead to trouble in common social situations, because ordinary conversation doesn’t always proceed logically.  . . . .  it’s clear to me that regular people have conversational capabilities far beyond mine, and their responses often have nothing at all to do with logic.  I suspect normal people are hardwired to develop the ability to read social cues in a way that I am not.”

Occasional Perseveration in speech patterns, almost as though the modem speed of the brain does not allow the play feature to keep up with the download function.

“It turns out the sentences are not formed in a single area of the brain.  It is far more complex than that.  We form the concept of a sentence in one spot.  We choose the verbs in another area and nowns and yet a third spot.  The sentence is built in pieces throughout the brain and then assembled into finished form.  For some reason, Aspergians like me experience delays in the transmission of the sentence fragments within the brain.  That gives a slightly ragged cadence to her speech that’s quite distinct from that of normal speech.  Once you begin listening for it, it is quite recognizable.” P. 286

But the central contribution of this book involves a celebration of the strengths and weaknesses that a person with aspergers can learn to live with and even turn into happiness by means of the alchemy of self-knowledge. “My conversational difficulties highlight a problem Aspergians face every day” Robison writes:  

“A person with an obvious disability – for example, someone in a wheelchair – he’s treated compassionately because his handicap is obvious.  No one turns to a guy in a wheelchair and says, “Quick!  Let’s run across the street!”  And when he can’t run across the street, no one says, “What is his problem?”  They offer to help them across the street.  With me, though, there is no external sign that I am conversationally handicapped.  So folks here some conversational misstep and say, what an arrogant jerk!  I look forward to the day when my handicap will afford me the same respect accorded to a guy in a wheelchair.  And if the respect comes with a preferred parking space, I won’t turn it down.” P. 194

He makes it clear that it is possible for any human brain to develop abilities once it sets such development as an intention.

“When we are young, our brains are constantly developing, making new connections and changing the way we think.  As I recall my own development, I can see how I went through periods where my ability to focus inward and do complex calculations in my mind developed rapidly.  When that happened, my ability to solve complex technical or mathematical problems increased, but I withdrew from other people.  Later, there were periods where my ability to turn toward other people in the world increased by leaps and bounds.  At those times, my intense powers of focused reasoning seemed to diminish.

I believe that some kids who are in the middle to more high functioning range of the autism continuum, like me, do not receive the proper stimulation and end up turning inward to such an extent that they can’t function in society, even though they may be incredibly brilliant in some narrowly defined fields, like abstract mathematics. . . . Papers I wrote back then are flat and devoid of inflection or emotion.  I did not write about my feelings because I didn’t understand them.  Today, my greater insight into my emotional life has allowed me to express it, both verbally and on paper.  But there was a trade off for that increased emotional intelligence.  I look at circuits I designed 20 years ago and it is as if someone else did them.” P. 209

“… it has been a good trade.  Creative genius never helped me make friends, and it certainly didn’t make me happy.  My life today is immeasurably happier, richer, and fuller as a result of my brains continuing development.” P. 210

 “I trained myself to respond in a manner that is only slightly eccentric, rather than out and out weird.” P. 239

All in all a book of hope for those of us affected by the idiosyncrasies of being differently wired or by the idiosyncrasies of differently wired children.

Question for Comment: Is there anything that you feel more comfortable with than people? Has it been difficult for you to assemble enough friends for a “decent” birthday party?